How The Chin got his name

Love 'em or hate 'em - we all have physical features that make us unique and mark us as different from everyone else on the planet. OK, not all of us. I confess to still being a little creeped out by a family I knew in school who were carbon copies of each other, male and female alike...including the mom and the dad. By I guess that's what happens when you're Catholic* and you just keep having kids - about eight in their case but there could've been more (how would I know? They all looked the same!). God eventually gives up on the individuality thing if we humans insist on thwarthing Him. Anyhow... on with the story...

*Disclaimer: I am Catholic so I can make fun of other Catholics. And Presbyterians. And Jews. And Jehovah's Witnesses. And Baptists. Especially Baptists. And Lutherans - we refer to them as 'Catholic-lite.'

I have three tremendously good looking sons. Seriously - I'm not just saying that. Thor is the oldest and blessed with movie star/All American good looks. Blonde, big blue eyes with impossibly long lashes, washboard abs and a million dollar personality to go with his million dollar orthodontia-induced smile. I have no idea where he came from. They say he's mine and I was there to witness it (no epidural or labor drugs for me, thank you very much!), but still I fantasize that he's the love-child from a passionate fling with surf God Laird Hamilton. Thor doesn't favor either of us - I'm a "dark child", but Big Daddy likes to take a lot of the credit.

Doogie, the youngest, is pretty much a carbon copy of Thor, except Doogie has brown eyes. Guess Laird Hamilton snuck back into the bedroom eight years later (he couldn't get enough of me!) Now, with Doogie, I did give in to the hospital room drug pushers after they insisted on inducing me. OK, they didn't have to push very hard. In fact, I think I may have begged for drugs with that one, 'just a little something to take the edge off...pleeeeaaaaase?' But Big Daddy was there and not under the influence and he assures me Doogie is ours, too.

That brings us to The Chin. He's ours all right. No denying that one. He's a dark child like me and tans so easily we have to put SPF 30 on him when he stands under the fluorescent lights in the kitchen. He's got both our personality traits, which makes him competitive, argumentative, business-oriented, socially responsible, a carnivore, and an animal lover - go figure.

I always thought his most amazing feature was his pale green eyes set against that tan skin, but as he's gone through puberty, he's developed the most amazing facial structures - and no, I'm not talking about acne. He's blessedly blemish-free. It's the chin that really gets him noticed. He hates this story but I'm going to relish telling it anyway...

One night he was hanging out with friends at a high school football game when a guy who was a Sophomore - from Thor's class - came right up to him and announced in front of all of his friends,
'dude, you've got the most amazing jaw structure!' The Chin, with one of his usual quick-witted comebacks, threw back a 'dude, what the heck?!' (Note that all teenage boy sentences start with 'dude,' regardless of the gender(s) of the subject(s))

To which he received the following explanation and disclaimer, 'Dude, I'm not gay...I'm just sayin'...you have the most amazing jaw structure!' The disclaimer helped. I'm sure The Chin was concerned Thor's classmate might have developed a man crush which he would have never lived down considering all his friends were parties to this conversation. To further convince The Chin and his assembled Homies that the dude was, in fact, heterosexual, the dude offered the following dating advice to the Chin:

"Dude, if you grow a beard, you could totally have any chick you wanted." I'm not sure why this young man thought all girls are turned on by facial hair when, in fact, we're not, but it's an interesting revelation about the teenage male's awesome perspective on facial hair and the teenage female.

Despite the aforementioned disclaimer, the Chin was mortally embarrassed and has yet to live down the man crush incident.

Needless to say, this story was repeated numerous times throughout the night and as our family is always compelled to do, we had to beat it to death. We still do. He became "The Chin." We tell him all the time, 'Dude - you have the most amazing jaw structure.' Followed quickly thereafter by 'I'm not gay...I'm just sayin.'

The Chin hates it. In fact, all I have to say to him is 'Dude...' and he gives me the stink eye. It makes me laugh so I'll probably never stop.

If you haven't already figured it out, this family is merciless and yes, we exploit your weakness...or strengths....it is a strong chin after all. But it could be worse - at least the Chin didn't ask for a banana and no homeless guy has jumped out in front of him....for now.

(note: the references to the banana, homeless guy and 'for now' will be explained in future blogs. Please stay tuned)

Men & Duct Tape: The Relationship Starts Early, or "Ode to Valentine's Day"

Since it's nearly Valentine's Day, I thought a fitting seasonal tale would be appropriate. My oldest, Thor, has always been something of a lady's man. He IS hard to resist. Big blue eyes, blonde hair, a great heart-felt smile, and a winning personality. Not surprisingly, his love life started early. Somewhere around 1st grade. I'm not entirely sure it was by choice. His little "girlfriend" always struck me as a tad overbearing, like the time we were at the school's Back-to-School carnival and he was talking to Big Daddy and me and she was over at the cake walk. I saw her snap her little fingers and give him the 'get over here now' look, to which he promptly responded by dumping us and high tailing it over to the other side of the playground. Needless to say, I wasn't a big fan.

So, Valentine's Day rolled around. Yes, if you're perceptive you'll have noted that they have already been a "couple" for about six months which, in a twisted sort of way somehow made me proud because I guess I could tell he wouldn't have commitment issues as an adult so there was no reason to fear he'd live with us forever....but I digress. At least two weeks before the big V-day, Thor told me that he wanted to get his girlfriend a gift. I suppose I was patronizing him when I asked him what he had in mind, but he calmly and seriously answered, 'a ring.' I must have been drinking a glass of iced tea at the time because I clearly remember choking on an ice cube and iced tea spewing out my nose (not this first time this has happened to me - I don't take surprises well). I told Thor that absolutely NO way was he going to buy Katie a ring. I explained that rings are symbols of serious commitment - something you give to someone you love and plan to marry. Far too serious for a 1st grade romance. No how. No way. I could just imagine how well the ring would go over with Katie's parents (her daddy probably had no idea his little angel even had a boyfriend and wouldn't that be a nice way to find out?!!) I flew into instant over protective mode and assured him that a ring would be totally inappropriate given their age and, well.....their age!

As 7 year old boys are easily distracted, the subject didn't come up again until the day before Valentine's Day and I mistakenly took his lack of communication on the subject for forgetfulness. But, no. Thor hadn't forgotten. As soon as he got home from school, he reminded me that he needed to go shopping for Katie's gift. 'All right,' I said, begrudgingly. 'But I'm not financing your romance - this is coming out of your allowance.' 'No problem,' said Thor. 'I've got $13 saved up.' Great.

So I did what anyone with a $13 budget would do. I loaded the kids up in the car and we went to the local K-Mart. The first thing Thor picked out was the biggest, gaudiest heart-shaped box of chocolates I've ever seen. It was one of those nesting type type boxes where the lid and the bottom sort of fit together, and the whole thing was shrinkwrapped with the price tag and bar code pre-printed on the shrink wrap. The thing must have measured 18-inches in diameter and must have held 2 lbs of chocolate. And it cost $2.98! Now, I'm pretty sure of one thing: if you can get 2 lbs. of chocolate for under three bucks, it's not going to be of the highest quality. I don't think that mattered at all to Thor. He just liked that he got a big box of candy for $2.98, which left him about $10 to spend on a stuffed animal and a card. He picked out a cute little kitty cat stuffed animal and a card that said something to the effect of, 'Happy Valentine's Day to the Sweetest Girl I know.' Pretty PG, so it was ok with me and I was just glad our shopping trip was over. Or so I thought.

The Chin (son #2) had been lingering in the candy aisle while Thor was doing his thing. The Chin was in Kindergarten at the time. Never one for making a showy display of himself, he calmly walked up to me with a small heart-shaped box of chocolates. I figured he wanted some candy to eat, like any other sweet, innocent 5-year old. My heart broke a little when he said, 'I want to buy something for my girlfriend, too.'

'What?!! What girlfriend?!' I screamed in the middle of the seasonal display aisle. Evidently, The Chin had been swept up in the tide of romance, too, and had found himself a girl. I was surprised, to say the least, because I was pretty sure that as of last week, girls still had cooties. But, I couldn't very well tell him no when his brother was off on a Valentine's shopping extravaganza. I paid for his little $1 box of chocolates and off we went, telling myself that it was only going to get worse from here on out.

When we got home, Thor went straight to his room and was gone for quite a while. The Chin, on the other hand, was running in circles around the front lawn with his hands raised in the air in triump, even pumping his fists in victory, uncharacteristically screaming to the neighborhood at the top of his lungs, "I have a girlfriend and I don't care who knows it!!!" Love makes you do weird things.

Finally, Thor came out of his room. He showed me his handiwork. He had painstakingly drawn hearts over the entire front surface of the card's envelope. No area was left unmarked by his trusty No. 2 pencil. He even wrote her name, Katie, with a heart over the 'i'. Gag. He wanted to show me that he had cleverly figured out how to transport this treasure trove to school so he pulled out his backpack, into which he had tried to cram the 18-inch box of chocolates. It really wasn't that bad an idea. It would have been fine, except he had decided to remove the shrink wrap from the box because it had the price tag printed on it (which he first tried to scratch out with a pen, but that tore the shrink wrap and looked tacky so he decided it had better just come off). But when he tried to pull the box, which is meant to be carried horizontally, out of his backpack, the box came open and all the candy fell out. This was particularly bad because the bottom of a seven year old's backpack is never clean, so although he tried to put each candy back in it's little paper cup, they all had little bits of lint and flecks of crayon and sand from the sandbox at school stuck to them. He was crushed....and so were some of the candies.

'Not to worry!' said I. Super mom to the rescue! We blew on the candies and gently brushed them and fitted them back in their little paper cups, though in truth, they still looked like candies that had been dropped in the bottom of a little boys' backpack. I told him to get some tape and tape the sides of the box together so that wouldn't happen again. So, feeling hope restored, Thor trotted off....to the garage. I went right back to preparing dinner or whatever I'd been doing at the time, mostly wondering what the heck had gotten into The Chin and wondering if this newfound euphoria would last until Big Daddy got home because he'd never believe me that our quiet, sullen child was doing love-brodies on the front lawn.

Thor popped back into the kitchen with the candy box behind his back. 'I fixed it, mom!' he said. And boy, had he! Thor had gotten Big Daddy's duct tape and proceeded to pull off four strips of the silver tape and wrap them from the front to the back side of the box: two on the right side, two on the left! I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Thor couldn't appreciate the humor or the irony in the situation. When I finally regained my composure, I decided it was perfect like that and wished I could be a fly on the wall when Katie took her big, duct taped box of candy home to show her mom and they opened it to find the obviously rejuvenated chocolates inside. Her father would have rightly assumed that his angel was dating an okie.

The next day, I left work early to pick the boys up from school. I spent the whole day picturing the scene and, I have to admit, I was a little nervous for them - especially for The Chin, knowing that rejection could be tough. Both the boys were in great moods when they got into the car. I immediately asked Thor what Katie thought of her presents. He said he didn't know. 'You don't know? What do you mean you don't know?' I asked. 'She didn't really say anything when I gave them to her,' he explained. 'But guess what she gave me, mom?' I thought for a moment. 'Um....I don't know. Candy?' Thor beamed with a smile from ear to ear and stuck out his hand for me to see. 'A ring! Cool, huh?' Unbelievable......

After all my effort to steer Thor away from giving his girl a ring, the little tart turned the tables on me! I gave up on my Valentine's lesson, mumbling something to myself about parents and their values these days, but not before asking The Chin what his girlfriend thought of her gift.

'Oh, she dumped me at first recess. So I ate the chocolate,' he said matter-of-factly, showing no signs of emotional trauma. And that sounded just fine by me!

Before We Go Any Further - Meet the Family

If you've read What Started It All, you're probably asking if anyone would actually name their son "The Chin." The answer is probably yes. Have you looked at the names of some of these celebrity kids?! Apple, Rumer, Camera (tennis player Arthur Ashe's daughter), Puma and Moxie CrimeFighter (magician Penn Jillette's daugher - I swear to God - look it up)

But, no, my middle son is not named The Chin, though the moniker is fitting. More on that later. For the purposes of this Blog, I'll refer to my boys as Thor (#1 son), The Chin (#2 son) and Doogie (#3 son). It probably is not kosher to assign them numbers, but it's convenient and is good for clarification. Note that Thor thinks #1 son means I like him best and while all moms know we love all our kids equally - except that wretched woman in England who has gone on national TV recently stating that she doesn't like her 11 year old daughter at all - I haven't had the heart to break it to him that the #1 simply refers to his placement in the chronological order of siblings.

Here's a brief snapshot of our family: me, Big Daddy (yes, I still refer to him that way even though all the boys have long since ceased calling him that), Thor, The Chin, and Doogie on the human side. Animals stack up like this: 3-legged dog named Brittany who is NOT named after the pop star, but rather because she is a Brittany Spaniel; Jake, our Border Collie pup and Annie the horse. And Liz the Lizard. And a handful of laying hens who have not been named anything at all. You might have noticed that we tend to lack creativity in the animal naming department. Not sure why that is, but a quick look back at the family pet album would confirm that we do, indeed, have a deficiency in this area:

We had a brown cat named Brownie. We had a black chicken named Blackie. We also had a chicken named Chicken Little and one named Chicka-Chicka-Boom Boom (don't get too excited - we didn't invent that one, either. It's a kids' ABC book we happened to be reading at the time). And, we had a Yellow Lab named, you guessed it, Yellow. Perhaps we're just lazy at the name game or maybe just forgetful. For example, when Big Daddy and I met, we both had Border Collies - in truth, that's what attracted me to him. His was named Katie and mine, a male, was named K.C. I worked my hot college chick mojo on Big Daddy and in no time at all we had joined forces, which is to say I moved in after two weeks of giving it very deep thought - I mean I had the wedding all planned out in my head - true story....anyway, we went to work on our small farm where we raised sheep and soon found that we could not "work" the dogs simultaneously because their names sounded too similar. You couldn't say "Katie, by" (which means left) or "K.C., way" (which means right) because the dogs would smack into each other in confusion over who was supposed to be going which direction. Somehow, K.C. became "Flash" and the name stuck. Now, when we recall the good ole' days and Big Daddy mentions K.C., I have no idea who he's talking about. He gives me the exasperated husband look that really just means, 'duuuuh,' and reminds me that K.C. and Flash were one in the same. Riiighht.....gotcha.

But enough about animal names. Those are the honest-to-God names we've given our poor, hapless animals over the years. Let's just say that the names of all human characters in all of my blogs will be changed to protect the innocent...even to protect those who are guilty as Hell...just to protect me from potential liability!

And lastly, I will admit that every one of my stories is rooted in the truth. Some are 100% true and need no embellishment - it's true - you can't write this stuff and truth IS weirder than fiction. Occasionally, I play with the story line a little but none of this is of great importance and no animals have been harmed in the making of any of these stories. So, please stay tuned for more!

What Started It All

Today was just a typical day - get up, get the kids up, make three lunches with three distinctively different sandwiches because one is allergic to peanut butter, one throws up at the site of deli turkey and one is the ultimate carnivore demanding all available meat products be combined with a slab of any available cheese minus condiments, drive oldest to bus stop, drive middle son to his school, drive youngest to his school, let the dogs out of the kennel because everyone else forgot about them, feed the dogs for the same reason, make banana bread to use up the brown bananas that would otherwise go to waste and get it in the oven before taking a shower so it can bake while I'm shaving my legs, eventually remember to brush my teeth, floss if time allows, sit down at my desk and begin the days' work (I work from home - no, really, I do). All before 8am.

A little rushed? Perhaps, but typical. Really typical. I mean, what mom doesn't have a similar schedule and familial dietary restrictions to deal with?

So, I started work and was thoroughly engaged in a case study on German packaging reduction systems (I'm not exactly a tree hugger, but I do write technical environmental stuff) when the insistent timer on my not-so-easy-bake oven startled me out of my eco-haze. On my way to the kitchen to rescue the banana bread I noticed a carelessly discarded Corn Nuts package on the hallway floor. Like all good moms, I couldn't resist picking it up and headed to the garbage can in a huff that someone left it on the floor in the first place. I mean, littering! In the hallway!! What do they think this is - the side of a state highway?!

My indignance was multiplied a hundred-fold when I opened the broom closet door and saw the towering mount of trash that had become my trash can. Let me point out that yesterday, it was a rolling hill, but today it had grown to a towering mountain with a precariously perched empty Pringles can teetering on the top.

I'll admit, my first instinct was to mash it all down and see if I could pull the bag up a little farther around the mound to form stable sides into which more trash could be piled. My second instinct was just to empty the trash myself.

But, no! Why should I?! Why should I take the trash out - again - when there are 4 able bodied males in the household. This is NOT a sexist thing. This is a mom thing! In fact, this mom noticed that the trash was full last night and decided not to take it out, wrongly assuming that someone else would do it if I just gave them the benefit of the doubt and didn't nag them by pointing it out.

So, I opted for the scientific approach and, yes, the sarcastic one. I took out a piece of obnoxious fluorescent yellow paper and a black Sharpie and scribbled a note that began like this:

Day #2 of Experiment

• How long will it take someone to notice the garbage is overflowing?


• How high can we stack it?


• How many people will pile more on without taking it out?


• Will someone voluntarily take it out? If so, who?


• Will mom break down and ask someone to do it?


• Will mom get fed up and do it herself?
  
  *Results will be posted at http://www.momisnotyourslave.com/

I left it that way all day. Everytime I walked into the kitchen it was a smug little reminder that when They got home from school, someone was takin' out the trash! I felt vindicated. I was proud of myself for my creative approach! I was The Mom.

At some point, my husband, one of The Offenders, came home and - believe it or not - took out the garbage without me asking him to. Even stranger, he didn't notice the flourescent yellow sign hanging over the garbage can (how could you miss it??!) I must admit I was a little let down. I wanted the boys to get the whole visual, but the trash was taken out so I was satisifed. Perhaps the funniest part of it all was when The Chin, #2 son, read the note and turned to me totally seriously and said, 'is there really a website called http://www.momisnotyourslave.com/? I told him that was my attempt at sarcasm. With total sincerity, the Chin said 'dude, mom, you should totally create your own website - moms would totally use it.'

And that's what started it all. This Blog.

Now would someone please put a new bag in the trash can, for cryin' out loud!!!!