Love 'em or hate 'em - we all have physical features that make us unique and mark us as different from everyone else on the planet. OK, not all of us. I confess to still being a little creeped out by a family I knew in school who were carbon copies of each other, male and female alike...including the mom and the dad. By I guess that's what happens when you're Catholic* and you just keep having kids - about eight in their case but there could've been more (how would I know? They all looked the same!). God eventually gives up on the individuality thing if we humans insist on thwarthing Him. Anyhow... on with the story...
*Disclaimer: I am Catholic so I can make fun of other Catholics. And Presbyterians. And Jews. And Jehovah's Witnesses. And Baptists. Especially Baptists. And Lutherans - we refer to them as 'Catholic-lite.'
I have three tremendously good looking sons. Seriously - I'm not just saying that. Thor is the oldest and blessed with movie star/All American good looks. Blonde, big blue eyes with impossibly long lashes, washboard abs and a million dollar personality to go with his million dollar orthodontia-induced smile. I have no idea where he came from. They say he's mine and I was there to witness it (no epidural or labor drugs for me, thank you very much!), but still I fantasize that he's the love-child from a passionate fling with surf God Laird Hamilton. Thor doesn't favor either of us - I'm a "dark child", but Big Daddy likes to take a lot of the credit.
Doogie, the youngest, is pretty much a carbon copy of Thor, except Doogie has brown eyes. Guess Laird Hamilton snuck back into the bedroom eight years later (he couldn't get enough of me!) Now, with Doogie, I did give in to the hospital room drug pushers after they insisted on inducing me. OK, they didn't have to push very hard. In fact, I think I may have begged for drugs with that one, 'just a little something to take the edge off...pleeeeaaaaase?' But Big Daddy was there and not under the influence and he assures me Doogie is ours, too.
That brings us to The Chin. He's ours all right. No denying that one. He's a dark child like me and tans so easily we have to put SPF 30 on him when he stands under the fluorescent lights in the kitchen. He's got both our personality traits, which makes him competitive, argumentative, business-oriented, socially responsible, a carnivore, and an animal lover - go figure.
I always thought his most amazing feature was his pale green eyes set against that tan skin, but as he's gone through puberty, he's developed the most amazing facial structures - and no, I'm not talking about acne. He's blessedly blemish-free. It's the chin that really gets him noticed. He hates this story but I'm going to relish telling it anyway...
One night he was hanging out with friends at a high school football game when a guy who was a Sophomore - from Thor's class - came right up to him and announced in front of all of his friends,
'dude, you've got the most amazing jaw structure!' The Chin, with one of his usual quick-witted comebacks, threw back a 'dude, what the heck?!' (Note that all teenage boy sentences start with 'dude,' regardless of the gender(s) of the subject(s))
To which he received the following explanation and disclaimer, 'Dude, I'm not gay...I'm just sayin'...you have the most amazing jaw structure!' The disclaimer helped. I'm sure The Chin was concerned Thor's classmate might have developed a man crush which he would have never lived down considering all his friends were parties to this conversation. To further convince The Chin and his assembled Homies that the dude was, in fact, heterosexual, the dude offered the following dating advice to the Chin:
"Dude, if you grow a beard, you could totally have any chick you wanted." I'm not sure why this young man thought all girls are turned on by facial hair when, in fact, we're not, but it's an interesting revelation about the teenage male's awesome perspective on facial hair and the teenage female.
Despite the aforementioned disclaimer, the Chin was mortally embarrassed and has yet to live down the man crush incident.
Needless to say, this story was repeated numerous times throughout the night and as our family is always compelled to do, we had to beat it to death. We still do. He became "The Chin." We tell him all the time, 'Dude - you have the most amazing jaw structure.' Followed quickly thereafter by 'I'm not gay...I'm just sayin.'
The Chin hates it. In fact, all I have to say to him is 'Dude...' and he gives me the stink eye. It makes me laugh so I'll probably never stop.
If you haven't already figured it out, this family is merciless and yes, we exploit your weakness...or strengths....it is a strong chin after all. But it could be worse - at least the Chin didn't ask for a banana and no homeless guy has jumped out in front of him....for now.
(note: the references to the banana, homeless guy and 'for now' will be explained in future blogs. Please stay tuned)
